”Et saa nukahtaa enää, ihmisparka!  Meillä on tärkeä tehtävä suoritettavana”, toteaa kissa silmää räpäyttämättä. ”Aikaa ei ole paljon.  Herää, unikeko!”

Katson kissaani ja ajattelen, että tämän on oltava yhä unta.  ”Mikä vois olla niin tärkeetä, läski mirri, etköhän sä ole jo tarpeeks lihava?  En herää näin aikasin vain ruokkiakseni sut.  Mee pois sängyltä ja anna mun olla!”

Snowball hyppää vatsani päälle ja jatkaa häiritsemistä. ”Tänään paljastan salaisuuteni maailmalle, mutten osaa tehdä sitä yksin.  Rakas ’äiti’, sinun on autettava minua.”

”Oletpa hulluin kissa ikinä!  Ei sulla oo mitään salaisuutta, oot vain nälkänen kuten aina.  Et ees osaa suomea, vain mau’untaa.  Miks rupesit puhumaan ihmiskieltä?  Tää on ilmeisesti vieläkin unta.”

Tässä vaiheessa Snowball alkaa kyllästyä tähän vuorovaikutteluun ja kertoo minulle: ”Enhän ole tavallinen kissa, en edes tullut Virosta, niin kuin luulet.  Tulin alamaailmasta vallatakseni kaikkien pahojen ihmisten sielut, ja tänään se alkaa.  Älä huoli, et ole listallani.  Mutta sinun pitää tehdä kaikki mitä käsken.  Ensiksi, herää nyt ja avaa ulko-ovi, jotta voin aloittaa sielujen keräämisen.”

Tunnen itseni noidutuksi ja seuraan Snowballia sängyltä eteisen läpi ovelle mitään ajattelematta.  Äkkiä kompastun kissojen leikkihiireen ja kaadun naamalleni lattialle.  ”Snowball, mitä hittoa on tekeillä?” huudan poissa tolaltani.

”Kurnau.”

When I met people in Sweden, if they asked where I am from, I would naturally say, from America.  But I’m not, or at least it seems like I’ve come from quite far away just to visit Sweden in that case.  Am I giving the wrong impression?  Or do I even have an impression of myself that I can relate to others without having to narrate a short novel?

When I lived in the States, if someone asked, I’d tell them I’m Polish and Italian, although I’ve only visited Poland once, and never stepped foot in my stomach’s homeland Italy.  These pieces of me are becoming somehow lost, as the monocultural Finnish population lacks outward watered roots.  And these pieces of me were strong, as my upbringing was guided by Polish traditions and Italian family affairs.

But I feel that what I’ve really taken with me from across the sea is a strong sense of Americanness, in that adjusting to the typical European customs is unnaturally difficult, and I refuse to adhere to the newness.  Unadaptability must be an American trait of mine, especially adapting to a country of LESSNESS.  Less variety, less options, less people, less cheeses, less activity, less responsibility, less opportunities.  More taxes.

I can’t handle all the walking, and not being able to rely on a car.  I’m winded walking to the bus stop.  The nature is beautiful and full of insects that you’ll swallow if not careful.  I still don’t understand recycling, how the fuck napkins are part of biowaste, and glass jars are often *not* recycled?  It takes 3-5 attempts for me to open a door the right way.  Making my own whipped cream from a box of cream is so much work!  Bicycles are wobbly and strangely shaped, and still have pedal brakes.  Cheese comes in a big, round trunk, which I have to shave in order to serve.  The sun can not be counted on to guide my sleep, as sometimes it just doesn’t go away.  Feet and legs are the same word in Finnish, so I never can picture what body part anyone’s talking about!  You can’t wear shoes inside the house, although it’s always freakkin’ cold.  There’s no Kraft Macaroni & Cheese!  Marshmallows are colorful, braided loops, which certainly don’t roast properly.  And Salmiakki…. this stuff is just a disgrace against our creators.

Next time, I won’t have to ponder this question.  I’m American.  I brought all of my intolerances and needinesses with me, and they’re likely to remain until time’s end.  And if you doubt your own Americanness, or that these qualities pertain also to you, I challenge you to a year in Finland.  Starting with Winter.

Spicy Hot Dog Soup – Tuulinen Nakkikeitto

The husband doesn’t particularly enjoy soup, but this one is so thickly tomatoey, and heavily based upon the food rather than the liquid, so this is the only soup I dare to make.  What man wouldn’t enjoy hot dogs in any form?

1 l water

8-10 hot dogs

5-6 medium potatoes

2-3 carrots

1 veggie bouillon

1/2 box tomato paste or puree

2 tbsp sweet chili sauce

bit of Tabasco

oregano, salt, and pepper to taste

Boil water with veggie bouillon.  Add chopped (about teaspoon-sized) potatoes and sliced carrots.  Let boil for about 10-15 minutes.  Add tomato puree along with sauces and seasonings until the taste is a bit spicy and rich.  Add sliced hot dogs and stir for about a minute.  Mix well when serving – the hot doggies float.

Corned-Cream Tagliatelle  Nopea Broileripastakastike

I dunno what creamed corn tastes like, but my corned-cream pasta dish is moist and sweet with a peppery bite, and is one of the fastest meals I know how to make.  I didn’t stray far from the original recipe here, only a li’l.

Canary-colored combo

1 pkt honey-marinated chicken pieces

300 g tagliatelle (or fetuccini)

1/2 bag frozen corn (canned is fine too)

1 dl food cream

1/2 package of Mustapekka cheese (translated as Buck cheese, if that helps.  It’s pepper-filled and soft.)

more pepper!  Lotsa lotsa.  And some salt.

Boil pasta.  Fry chicken in small amount of oil.  Add cream and cheese when the oil is soaked in and dried out.  Add corn, and flavor with salt & pepper.  Keep adding cream until it’s nicely moist, which will be soaked in by the tagliatelle.

Fried Dogs & Fries Nakkiperunat

I usually make this dish outta sausage rather than hot dogs, but this was equally excellent, and a super cheap dinner.  I don’t know if this costs more than a euro for a two-people meal, and it’s always a favorite.  Not the most nutritious, I suppose, but on a Friday night nutrition gets gently shoved out of the window.

Health food

5-6 potatoes

6 hot dogs

SALT

Peel and chop potatoes into smallish wedges that are thin but not too much, else they’ll overcrisp and lose their potatoness.  Fill a frying pan 1/2 way with cheap oil.  Fry at medium-high or high heat.  It usually takes me 2-3 rounds to get all of these through the pan, ensuring that every spot of the surface is immersed in the sizzling oil.  Takes 5-10 minutes, the first round is usually the slowest.  Remove after surface is quite dark, place on paper towl to absorb the excess grease, but quickly transfer to a plate before it absorbs too much.  Cut hot dogs into slices and cut them in half.  Add to the hot grease.  These are rather quick, only a couple minutes, so do this at the end.  Remove when they have crisped and browned a bit.  Give the fries a nice cool shower in salt, and serve with ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise, or melted cheddar.

Toothpicked Taco Assortment

I don’t know why I’m unable to keep tacos closed.  Maybe I overstuff ‘em, I’m not sure.  But I bought a container of 1000 toothpicks which I thought was ridiculous, as in, I’m not gonna use this many toothpicks in my life.  Now I’m on a mission to use them up before the end of the year.  But taco day comes fairly often, every time I have a little bit of minced meat left, either still in the container, or pre-cooked with tomato sauce.  Always a little different, and always a welcome treat.

3 medium-sized tortillas

100-150 g minced meat

tomato sauce, puree, or chopped tomatoes

lettuce

1 tomato

shredded cheese

corn

black olives

guacamole

Thai sweet chili sauce

Microwave tortillas for about 30 seconds.  Fry minced meat.  Add tomato saucy product, and flavor until it tastes just right (salt, pepper, spices).  Add in shredded cheese (and optionally the sweet chili sauce) and stir.  Spread some guacamole on some or all of the tortillas.  Place a bit of the minced meat mixture on on side, then add other toppings, however you like.  Usually I’ll add either tomato pieces and lettuce, or corn and olives, or some mixture of these.  Wrap up, fold in one side, stick with a toothpick, and warm up in microwave for 20 seconds or so.

Mac & Cheese: Ham & Peese Kinkkujuustomakaroni

This is about the easiest dinner, provided you can find the Kraft Mac&cheese box in Finland.  Hint:  I found them for just over 2€ at the K-Supermarket in Ruoholahti.  Granted, it should cost less than a dollar back home, but it’s still worth an easy meal without thought to ‘is it cheesy enough?’

1 box Kraft Macaroni & Cheese

little bit of milk and butter

1/2 bag of frozen peas

1/2 bag of sliced pizza ham

Prepare Mac&Cheese as directed on box.  Add peas to macaroni a few minutes before draining.  Meanwhile, fry the ham until they are browned and not sticking together.  A bit crispy is good.  Add to pot when adding the cheese powder, milk, and butter.

Shitcake Supreme!

I was really surprised by the quality of these meat cutlets I found from the store.  I expected some minced meat patties, but it was much more put together.  The resulting meal resembled something I’d've ordered at a nice restaurant.  Except the lumps in the gravy…. how should I have known to sift it first??  The gravy is actually a vegetarian option, in that there’s no meatjuice required.  Surprisingly, it tasted legitimate, old-fashioned, and highly nostalgic.  The shitcakes (sorry, shiitake mushrooms) are rarely available in Finland, but I was lucky enough to pass by some fresh ones one August day, and it became the inspiration for this delectable, homemade meal.

mashed potatoes (I prefer the boxed, lumpless stuff)
green beans
butter
6 meat cutlets

Mushroom Gravy

1 cup chopped mushrooms (shiitake were awesome!)
2 tbsp soy sauce
sifted flour – about 1/2 dl (or else, it clumps!)
2 dl hot water with chicken bouillon
salt
olive oil

Melt a chicken bouillon into two cups of hot water.  Fry mushrooms in a generous bit of olive oil.  When tender, add soy sauce, sifted flour, and chicken-flavored water.  Salt to taste.  Fry the meat cutlets at medium-high heat for 4 minutes each side, pushing down to heat evenly.  Mine turned out burnt, but it added a nice crispiness and doneness that I intend to repeat.  Make the mash potatoes according to the box, remembering to add salt!  Microwave green beans with a good chunk of butter covered in salt.  Serve cutlets with creamy delicious mushroom gravy.

Potato Au Gratin with Minced Meat (Jauheliha-perunagratiini)

Auuuuuu gratin!

This is fairly common for a Finnish dish, allthough I’ve added quite a few ingredients, and mixed a couple traditional recipes to make something outrageously cheesy and creamy.  I don’t know if you can buy these bags of frozen cream-potato outside of the Nordic world, but these are splendid!

400 g minced meat

1 carrot

1/2 red pepper

1/3 box tomato paste

2 tbsp herb & pepper cream cheese (optional flavor)

rosemary

salt

1 bag cream potatoes (750g)

5-10 green olives

3 dl milk

1 dl cream

1 egg

A serving of creamy abundance

Fry meat with diced peppers and halved carrot slices.  Add tomato puree with cream cheese and seasonings, followed by olive slices.  Layer a greased casserole dish with 1/2 of the frozen potatoes, the fried mixture, then the rest of the potatoes.  Mix milk, cream, egg, and salt, and pour over food.  Bake at 225 celcius for 50-60 minutes, and add shredded cheese to the top when 15 minutes remaining (optional).

Minced Meat Cheese Pockets with Tomato Risotto

Here was another meal I had to improvise after seeing an inexpensive meat product I hadn’t previously seen before.  These frozen fish patties were filled with mozzarella and tomato, so how could I resist?  The risotto was the perfect mildly spicy and extra flavorful complement that provided a bit more of tomato flavor so that I wouldn’t be tempted to dip my fish in ketchup.

4 fish patties (plain or flavored, used mozzarella & tomato flavored)

2 servings risotto rice

olive oil

1/2 box crushed tomato

1 carrot

2 tbsp pepper-flavored cream cheese

lotza salt and pepper

couple drops Tabasco

This requires no brain work at all.  Boil water and add the rice.  Add olive oil or whatever the rice box suggests.  Meanwhile, fry the meat at medium-high, pushing down to get every spot and flipping when appropriately browned.  Fry carrots separately, adding tomato sauce, cream cheese and seasonings towards the end.  When rice is still moist but mostly drained, add to carrots in frying pan for a few minutes.  Serve shaped like a bunny. 

Gojira : (Main Stage) Or, as you’d hear the Finns chanting their name early this Friday afternoon, Goh-Yee-Rah! Being one of those bands that tours with In Flames, Killswitch Engage, or most recently Metallica, I didn’t have high hopes for a band that shares their company. I can be wrong sometimes. Their songs were not extraneous, as I would have expected, but offered a sound that they own; a technical, vocal varying, tight mechanical rhythm that was sometimes strangely danceable, though it was FAR too early and most of us sober. A later robotty song reminded dramatically of Cynic, but when is that ever a bad thing? Also included in their performance hour was nearly 20 minutes of instrumental machinery, then a drum solo. This is where it started becoming less exciting, and an hour seeming too long. However, perhaps the lamest feature of this set was the bad speeches. “We came a long way to get here. We had to FLY here! So we wanna see you move!” Aww, you had to fly? I’d have been more impressed if you’d swam across the Baltic. Maybe next time.

All That Remains : (Main Stage) I thought this band had just played at Nosturi the previous Tuesday. What? Oh… that was the OTHER “all” band, All Shall Perish. Well, it all sucks anyway, so whatever. But hey, the singer of the band Phil Labonte dedicated a song to me and all the other girls there because, as he says, “pussy is great! And it’s delicious!”. Classy guy, wonder how the bassist Jeanne feels hearing that kinda bullshit. I just don’t feel that metalcore has any place at a genuine metal fest. This was the reason I escaped the U.S. in the first place, but Finns seem to have a mini-obsession with American metal in all its shapes and colors.  They were performing well enough, just the music was irritating.

Callisto : (Sue Stage) This band began with heavier roots, as I understand, but they were perhaps the band farthest removed from metal representing at Tuska. Sharing similarities, or at least fans, with Cult of Luna, old Neurosis, and even Anathema, the sound was emotional without being emo. The curly-locked singer, as well, reminded of Anathema’s Vinnie, though with half of the flare or unadulterated passion. This singer handled all the clean vocals, and their previous vocalist, who is their present-day guitarist, added in some needed growls from their older songs. Besides this, however, the set lacked dynamics, as there were no crushing moments to excite or incite. Callisto was not a band to begin a long day with, but to wither it away slowly at the end, as in a jatkoklubi performance. It also begged for an intimate club stage, as intimate as possible that could still fit seven dudes on one stage. I’ll give them props though, for their one song title I heard them announce. “Drying Mouths in a Gasping Land”. I think I need a beer.

Neurosis : (Main Stage) Appropriately, Callisto was followed by one of their likely influences, Neurosis. These Americans had gathered quite a big draw to the main stage, and were surely a reason for Friday’s sizeable ticket sales, but what they offered in exchange for the money spent, was a stripped-down, no lights, no smoke, no frills set. They barely moved. The music was slowwww. They looked like the same guys I’d seen playing over a decade ago, maybe even wearing the same jerseys, only a bit chubbier, and less teeth. Not to mention that last time they had had a trippy video projection possibly synchronized with their music playing behind them that you could focus your attention on instead of the NOTHING that was happening otherwise. This time, just boredom and noise, mixed in with a few interesting keyboard sounds. An hour of this? No… time to sit on the grassy hills behind the Sue stage and drink the suffering away. Did I mention this was a band I was particularly looking forward to seeing? Hence, the disappointment.

Black Dahlia Murder : (Inferno Stage) Haven’t we just seen these guys at FME only four months ago? The organization running both Tuska and FME seems to have struck some deals with certain bands, maybe taking them to both festivals as a package deal or something, or else they just enjoy banal redundancy, or aren’t aware of any other bands. Black Dahlia belonged to this category, and as such, I didn’t feel the need to watch for long. Not everyone was present at FME though, of course, and the Inferno tent was overflowing with bodies. Arriving late, you couldn’t get very near the stage, or even see the members from afar. You could see a fairly nice circle pit, however. Guess that speaks louder than the members’ faces.

Ensiferum : (Sue Stage) Playing at the same slot as Black Dahlia, and finishing up the Sue Stage for the evening, were these folk metal favorites. These guys are always energetic and exciting to watch, moreso the massive bass -slinging Sami Hinkka and face-making Marcus Toivonen, than cool-looking but stationary vocalist Petri Lindroos. The band sounded rich from the photo pit, but rather shitty and muffled from farther away, particularly from the grassy knoll. Still, always a reliably good band, just a bit common in comparison to some of this year’s foreign offerings.

Immortal : (Main Stage) BANG! A quick blast of pyro warms the air as Abbath jumps to the stage from out of nowhere in his evil troll stance. “Good evening, ladies and motherfuckers!” he proclaims, as I’m still attempting to catch my breath from the shocking pyro burst exploding a meter away from my camera. Fuck me, greatest intro ever! This three-piece of Norwegian black metal took to the immense stage and OWNED it, with Abbath and bassist Apollyon always at the edge of the stage, and leaping past each other to get to another side of the stage and make their best evil faces at a different section of the crowd. Abbath is such a funny metal persona, and he had some ridiculously laughable moves, even some unlikely hip-swinging. As the night’s last band playing already at 8:30, with a full Finnish summer sun blaring, Abbath repeats his frost-covered mantra “Fuck the sun!”. Also among his brilliant statements was “Suomi Finland Perkele”, a phrase that has always sounded a little bit mixed-up to me. Immortal definitely took ownership of the night and played straight until the festival’s sound-regulation limit at 10pm. No, it still wasn’t dark yet.

JATKOKLUBIT

Choices for tonight were as follows.

• TAVASTIA – Riverside
• NOSTURI – Enochian Crescent, Throes of Dawn, Kilt
• VIRGIN OIL – Turmion Kätilöt, Black Light Discipline, Fear of Domination
• ON THE ROCKS – Kamala, Souldump (unofficial)
• DANTE’S HIGHLIGHT – Force Majeure, Axegressor (unofficial)

While some of these other gigs would have been inviting as well, it’s rather rare that Throes of Dawn plays gigs nowadays, so there was really no other choice for me.  Based on my experiences from the aftergigs last year, I was sure that EVERY official gig would be totally sold out, and that tickets should be bought in advance to prevent this.  Because so many metal people are being released from Tuska at the same time, are mostly (or ridiculously) drunk, and need somewhere to go, it made sense that there’d be lines at each club’s front doors.  Not the case, today.

Throes of Dawn: It was disappointing seeing such an empty front area (where you may not have drinks), but the bar was not very crowded either.  We arrived just as Throes of Dawn were about to begin (preferring to drink our own alcohol at the harbor’s edge instead of beginning to pay for €5 drinks during Kilt‘s set), and, like sheep, also spent the entire set on the booze-serving side.  Throes had introduced some new, unreleased songs both at the beginning and end of their too-short set, and they sounded really promising.  The rest of the songs were from their second and third albums, and were at once mesmerizing and full of heartwarming despair.  I would have preferred, however, if they had had a live keyboard player.

Enochian Crescent: The crowd had grown by the time they approached the stage, but still, definitely, disappointing.  They had also played an aftergig for last year’s Tuska, also at Nosturi, opening for Horna, and on that occasion the demand for tickets had highly overwhelmed the club’s size.  However, since Enochian hit the stage at such a late hour (some time after 1am), I had to choose between either watching the gig, or catching the last bus home.  Having seen this band several times within the last year, my choice was not to have to order a taxi on this busy night, and get some sleep to survive tomorrow’s thrash experience!  But damn… I didn’t get to see any feathers, or scissor-fleshslicing, or animal organs mingling with the crowd.  Shame.

The official jatkoklubit were held at Nosturi, Tavastia, and Dante’s Highlight.  Independently arranged and unsanctioned aftergigs were also happening, among other places, at Darkside.  For Thursday, June 27th, the day before Tuska’s main stages were opening, some gig choices were Kotiteollisuus at On the Rocks, Norther debuting their new singer at Virgin Oil, and Candlemass at Tavastia.  Knowing there will be other opportunities to see homegrown talent, Candlemass was today’s winner.

The gig began quite late for a work night, but that’s to be expected.  Opening was Scott Kelly, Neurosis’ vocalist.  Playing guitar.  By hisself.  Perhaps that would have been cool to watch for a minute or two, but I had no interest in finding out, and I’ve heard later that it wasn’t quite so captivating after all.  When I did arrive, just in time to miss the yawn-fest, I was pleased and overjoyed that, by showing our Tuska press passes, we were allowed in to Tavastia without paying for narikka (coat-check entrance-fee).

I didn’t come to the gig with much pre-knowledge of Candlemass, other than their being a classic epic doom metal band, and having influenced decades of similar-genred acts.  That’s enough to demand some respect, and for me to overlook as a handful of old guys appeared on the stage.  I suppose that’s what naturally happens when you’ve been in a band for 25 years, your hairline is gonna be affected.  But it’s also really inspiring to think that there’s still life and passion left when you’re that old.  (Damn, I sound like a little brat!)  And although they were visually nothing special, surely the fans weren’t giving a damnicus.

Vocalist Robert Lowe, also vocalist of Texas’ Solitude Aeturnus, had only recently joined this Swedish band, but sounded like he was destined for Candlemass.  His powerful lungs emitted clean, soaring notes, reaching straight to the soul of anyone who had one.  These loud, strong melodies above heavy, heavy riffing made for an excellent mix, as many later doomish bands surely noticed and replicated.

Lowe also had an interesting look and act, with his wispy long white hair and black nail polish, and his creepy habit of rolling his eyes back and showing the disturbing whites as if in some kind of trance.  Stranger was his two-finger-pointing thing (think flight attendant), that you did not want directing towards you.  He might know some dark rituals or such that you don’t wanna be the victim of.

What I liked were his speeches, which I knew that most Finns were not at all understanding.  Being a Texan, or an American in general, it’s easy to think that everyone understands your accent or colloquial phrases or slangs.  They don’t.  They didn’t know what he was talking about when he said something, and then said “psyche!”.  They didn’t know what he meant when asked, while suffering from the joint’s extreme temperature, “what would you think about an A.C. unit in this place” (why would a Finn need to know what A.C. is?  We don’t condition our air here).  But hey, America taught us to be that ignorant.

There were some particularly amusing incidents during the gig.  During “Hammer of Doom”, some shirtless guy climbs to the stage, jumps into the crowd, and the sparsely filled front area parts even further, and the guy thuds audibly on the hard floor.  Or maybe it wasn’t audible, but I certainly felt it from the other side of the room.  Then, before their encore, some chick from the audience gets on stage and practically mauls the vocalist, hugging him and not leaving until the end of the song!  He took it like a champ, though.

And finally, the encore: “Solitude”.  How cool was that, and how great of a tribute, for Candlemass to come to Finland and cover a Swallow the Sun song.  Wait, what?  Ohhhh, that’s StS that covered Candlemass!  Well, still cool.  I guess cool doesn’t quite cover it, as the crowd was enveloped in this moment, and it was a perfect ending to the night.  Overall, the gig and the songs were great, and I was surprised by how impressed I was with this band; but I shouldn’t have been.  I just should’ve jumped aboard their boat o’er a decade ago.

I suppose we’ll get our priorities straight, and end up wasted tonight, and waking up at noon.  Ahhhh, yes.  Either way, life is good.

This year’s Tuska Festival was intense.  Not just the bands, which weren’t especially special, but five long days of gigs, booze and sunburn.  When you only get one of these special weekends per year, it’s a welcome celebration.  But when you’re nearing your 30′s, going to back-to-back festival weekends throughout the summer, and are still hungover from Nummirock, it’s quite laborious.  While saying that no, there really weren’t many VOI VITTU, I MUST SEE THIS BAND bands, there was an overall balance of local acts that always put on a good show, and interesting foreign bands that I wouldn’t necessarily have picked but are worth checking out if you happen to be there.  Nevertheless, the weekend was fulfilling, and a testament to why the same people come year after year.

Wednesday : FAITH NO MORE, CMX, WALTARI – Kaisaniemi Park

Although not an official Tuska gig, it was arranged in part by the same promoters, and occurred in that same lovely park.  Tickets were quick to sell out, which happened well before they announced a second gig at Ruisrock.  As a long time fan of FNM and Mr. Patton, this comeback was unexpected news, and I rejoiced in my relocation to Finland, as the U.S. was abandoned on this new and unlikely endeavor.  I believe Mike Patton said that the only way he’d ever do a comeback gig or tour would be for a LOT of money.  I suppose now he’s a wealthy motherfucker then.  But after watching his performance, I can’t understand why he’d need his arm pulled to come back to this style of living and performing.

CMX and Waltari were both really good.  Well, I suspect that they were.  In reality, I was sitting in the grass outside the fenced area during their sets, because once you were in, you weren’t permitted re-entry, and I had just bought a 4-pack of light lonkero that I intended to drink with my non-ticket-carrying friends before and between sets.  Quite the responsible journalist I am, right?  But chances to see these two acts will come twentyfold, and FNM, perhaps, never again.  And moments of drinking for hours in the park followed by a sudden onset of need-to-pee, with no reasonable spot to go without waiting for an hour to use a port-o-potty, hopefully WILL never happen again.  But yes, both bands sounded good from behind the opaque fence’s perimeter, a perimeter that extended much further than Tuska’s usual, in that you couldn’t see inside from any of the taller hill slopes.  It was expected, but a surprise, that so many showed up to experience the whole event in this half-assed way.  Cheaper, for sure, in entertainment and in refreshments.  But the sounds were muffled enough that, if you weren’t an expert on the songs, you wouldn’t recognize enough notes to discern them.

Not so long after CMX were done, and 15 minutes before Faith No More were scheduled to take the stage, some unusual music started playing from inside the festival area, and I soon recognized it to be the cover song, Reunited, that was the tour’s official intro song.  Personally, as they had only agreed to do this bout of touring, and not to make new music, I didn’t feel so emotional or connected with their concept of reuniting, and while others may have felt a spark in their hearts during this song, I felt somehow betrayed.  Abandoning the rest of my drinks, and running as near to the stage as I could (which wasn’t near at all), I took a look at my childhood idols, feeling simultaneously awestruck and bewildered.  I didn’t remember them being this famous or liked prior to their disbanding, but seeing them looking like rockstars in a sold-out sea of onlookers, there was a disconnect.  Mike Patton in his shiny silver suit, waving around a red walking cane, and the rest of the crew looking smug in their tailored suits… they didn’t have their young, fresh, naivety any longer, or a sparkle in their eye.  Maybe a green sparkle.

I cannot, though, say that Mike Patton didn’t perform his money-making heart out, because there were times, for example during Cuckoo for Caca, that he’d channel so much of his might into his mic, that his blood vessels spilled loose across his face.  He also performed some interesting twists, like singing Evidence in spanish, (telling us, ‘just think of Enrique Iglesias!’), or running around with a loudspeaker, or using vocal processors to emit the strangest of sound repetitions (remember Adult Themes for Voice?).  He also picks up a stagelight at some point, shining it at himself and at the crowd, as though he were the only star of the show.  There really was no interaction between members, nor movement from one side to another, and most of all, the guitarist was a statue.  Roddy Bottum did some backing vox, like those of Be Aggressive, but was otherwise not so dynamic, except for taking a moment to grab his iPhone and take a picture of the crowd.  Puffy looked surprisingly energetic, sweaty, and greying, which is an unusual combo, I’d say.  Otherwise, there really was nothing besides Patton worth watching.

Some songs and moments that set this gig possibly apart from others include a minute or so of Patton singing Lady Gaga’s Poker Face, the first song of the second encore I Started a Joke, a cover on a B-side of a single, which I never expected to ever see live, ever (ever!!), and Patton asking us if we have ever been called Hell-stinky before.  No, Mike, never.  The set list was overwhelmingly long, although the gig was not nearly long enough, and it seemed that in many cases, they were playing radio edits of songs, King for a Day, being a definite example.  This made it hard to sing along without getting lost, and also felt like a disappointment, even knowing that doing this was allowing them to play more, and more obscure, songs.  At one point during Midlife Crisis, the song was paused to build a climax of applause, or some other will that Patton was trying to achieve from the crowd before jumping back into the song, and as those of us further from the stage were still waiting for the band to continue playing, you could hear hundreds or thousands of fans near the front singing the song without him, without musical accompaniment, without anything but clear delight, and this seemed to amuse Patton and the boys, who finally returned to the regularly scheduled program.  Seeing thousands of screaming fans with their arms raised to the sky, Patton asks, “Are all of those hands attached to bodies?”

Overall, I was thrilled to have experienced a Faith No More live set once again, but it was the least intense of all the three occasions, and without a doubt the least intimate.  I was hoping for just one song to make me cry, for the night’s final song to be something so emotional that some strings in my heart would snap, but with We Care a Lot as the finale, that was not achieved.  Even less of closure was in Patton’s departing words of, “see you next time”.  That’s it.  (But what IS it?)

SET LIST:

• Intro – (Reunited – Peaches & Herb cover)
• From Outta Nowhere
• Land of Sunshine
• Caffeine
• Evidence (in Spanish)
• Chinese Arithmetic (intro – Lady Gaga cover – Poker Face)
• Surprise, You’re Dead!
• Last Cup of Sorrow
• Cuckoo for Caca
• Easy
• Ashes to Ashes
• Midlife Crisis
• Introduce Yourself
• King for a Day
• Gentle Art of Making Enemies
• Be Aggressive
• Epic
• Just a Man

_____ENCORE #1_____

• Stripsearch (Intro – Chariots of Fire)
• Digging the Grave

_____ENCORE #2_____

• I Started a Joke
• We Care a Lot

TUSKA WEEKEND – CONTINUED

Makaronilaatikko : Macaroni Casserole

This is a bit of a traditional Finnish meal, not necessarily something you’d buy from a restaurant, but something that everyone’s mother has made on a hundred different occasions.  Personally, casseroles seem like the longest way to make a meal, but the result is a lot of food in one convenient dish.  This recipe isn’t the typical Finnish version, but Chrissified.

• 3/4 bag macaroni or gnocchi or similar.
• 400g minced meat
• tomato sauce (omit this for a more traditional flavor)
• 10 green olives
• oregano, salt, rosemary, or other spices, to taste
• chicken bouillon
• 6 dl milk
• 1 egg
• mozzarella or similar cheese

Brown the meat, add tomato sauce, olives, and spices.  Boil the pasta with the chicken bouillon, strain, and add to the meat.  Grease a casserole dish and pour the mixture evenly.  Mix milk, egg, and salt, then pour over the macaroni, almost covering.  Bake at high heat for about 30 minutes.  Add cheeses to top, then place back in oven until cheese nicely browns.

Peruna- Makkaralaatikko: Potato & Sausage Casserole

This recipe gets the privilege of being added to my regular repertoire.  It was just fucking fabulous, and simple, but it takes a LONG time in the oven, which I don’t always have.  Not at all a Finnish recipe, but very Finnish concept.  Creamy potatoes and fried sausage, ihan JEES.  Should be followed with beer and sauna.

• 1 bag frozen unflavored potato slices
• 3 grilling sausages, peeled
• 1 carrot
• 1/2 zucchini
• 1 box food cream
• 1/2 container tomato-basil cream cheese (other flavors will work)
• green olives
• lotta lotta salt

Brown the sausage, zucchini and carrot, add 1/2 box of cream and the cream cheese when almost done, and olives at the end.  Grease the casserole dish and layer first half of the potato, then the sausage mixture, then the remainder of potato, adding salt to the top of each layer. Cover with rest of cream, and bake for about an hour.

Pinaatti-fetuccini Kreikkalaisittain : Greek Spinach Fetuccini

Here’s another recipe I want to frequently repeat.  The flavors are all strong, and I was doubtful they wouldn’t overpower each other.  But the bitter feta, acidic tomato and sharp olives complement each other perfectly, and the creamy sauce calms and unites them with the pasta.  DEEEEElish.  Adding spices is pretty unnecessary this time, so leave the salt in the shaker!

• 1 pkg fresh spinach fetuccini
• 3 tbsp tomato and basil cream cheese (or other strong flavor)
• 1/2 carton food cream
• 1 pkg chicken shreds (flavored or not)
• 10 green olives, sliced
• 15 feta cubes, cut in half
• 3 sun-dried tomatoes, cut into shreds

Jauheliha-kasviskuskus : Minced meat couscous

I found this recipe in a Finnish newspaper, and have been making it regularly since.  It’s said to be fast, and fo’ zizzle, it am.  In fewer than 15 minutes, you could be eating this.  But I added a few alterations to it, as, like any Finnish meal, the sodium level is disgustingly nonexistent!  SALT ME UP, HOMES!

• 300g minced meat
• 1/2 red pepper, chopped small
• 1-2 tbsp curry
• 1/2 can corn
• 6 green olives, sliced
• 1/2 carton food cream
• 3 servings of couscous
• oil & butter
• salt, salt, and then when it’s too salty, add a bit more

Boil water with a tbsp oil for couscous.  Add couscous as directed on box, removing from heat and adding butter until it’s nicely moist.  Meanwhile, brown the meat in oil, add pepper and curry, and finally adding cream and corn, frying for about 2 more minutes under a lid.  Add olives, and salt (and maybe more curry) to taste.  Add a flat layer of couscous to the plate, with meat mixture on top.

Kinkku-alfredo raketti : Ham and rockets alfredo

My mouth is watering!!! This was so delicious, and one of my favorites!  You can’t buy pre-made alfredo sauce in Finland, at least not that I’ve found, and so I just HAD to figure out another way.  Here it is, and it’s spectacular.

• tri-color short spaghetti pasta guys (the color isn’t necessary, but healthier and prettier!  Can just cut spaghetti if they don’t sell these where you’re at)
• bag of shredded ham
• half can of sliced mushroom
• parmesan cheese
• 1/2 carton food cream
• garlic salt

Boil pasta.  Fry ham at medium-high heat in oil until not sticking together and slightly browning.  Add mushrooms for about 5 minutes, add cream and shredded parmesan cheese until cream thickens.  A dash of garlic salt is all that’s needed, as the ham is quite salty.

Pekoni ja Kananmuna McAamiainen : Egg McMuffin

I MISS YOU, AMERICAN BREAKFAST!!  It might be a new thing here that some McDonalds seem to have introduced breakfast, which is a concept that is a bit anti-Finnish lifestyle, going to a restaurant between 8-10 and eating greasy bad artery-death, as it’s nearly impossible to find such breakfasty things here (no diners, no international houses of pancakes, no one’s eating eggs and bacon with waffles and english muffins slathered in maple syrup here), so before learning that MickeyD’s has now this limited breakfast (only these muffin sandwiches, no griddlecake sandwiches or hash browns or pancakes and bacon, fuck me.), I had to try to make my own.  And as you CANNOT CANNOT CANNOT buy english muffins in Finland, anywhere, I used something a little closer to what McD’s uses.

• Oat sandwich bread
• 3 eggs
• milk
• salt
• 3 slices processed american cheese (some call it cheddar)
• 6 strips of bacon

Fry bacon in own grease in small pan.  Toast bread very well.  Mix eggs with a little milk and salt.  Remove bacon, and fry eggs in the bacon grease, on medium-low heat.  When possible to move, flip the egg.  When done, cut into pieces that fit onto the breads fairly well.  Add cheese immediately on top, and bacon on top, placing between breads.  Microwave if cheese didn’t melt.

Juustotaskut ja Pyttipannu : Cheese pockets with Fried Potato

I saw these cheese pockets in the store once, it’s not a regular find, and so I had to try it out.  It’s minced meat wrapped around some sorta cheese.  Of course I’d like to see more cheese in there, but they were good – especially with this fried potato mixture I concocted as the perfect complementing side dish.  I could’ve eaten the potato stuff on its own.  FRIED SALTINESS, WOO YEAH!

• 4 cheese pockets (wouldn’t be hard to make on your own)
• 4 medium potatoes
• 1/2 red pepper
• 1/2 can corn (or frozen)
• SALT

Fry the cheese pockets on medium-high – be sure to fry the sides too, kinda difficult.  In a seperate frying pan, deep-fry potatoes cut into tiny little pieces, adding pepper halfway through, and corn at the very end.  Potato should be crunchy, and the mixture should be drenched in salt.

Kotitekoiset Raviolit : Homemade Ravioli

This is based on Big Nanna’s recipe, my stepdad’s Italian grandmother.  My mom altered it a bit, and I altered it only to make it practical to Finland.  The frozen stuff you buy here is pathetic and sad and lonely, and was probably picked on in school.  If you open one up, you can’t really recognize anything resembling cheese, and the taste is minimal.  Mine are overflowing with cheese, often fall apart in the water, and cannot be eaten in one bite.  Another great thing about these, is that you can make a ton of it at once (because it is a LOT of work and time), and freeze it for later.  They still taste perfect after defrosting and reboiling for a minute or two.

Filling:

• 250g ricotta cheese (hard to find in Finland, but it’s in some bigger stores)
• 1 egg
• 100g mozzarella (shredded)
• 1/2 dl parmesan
• plenty of salt

Dough

• 5 dl flour
• 1/8 tsp salt
• 1 egg
• 1/2 tsp olive oil
• 1.2 dl warm water

Topping

• Thin spaghetti sauce
• More grated parmesan

Mix the filling ingredients in a bowl with a fork (what mom, a fork?) until blended well.  Mix dough ingredients in another bowl, slowly adding the warm water while stirring with a fork (really mom, a fork again?  It’s dough!).  Don’t use all the flour, just most.  Then keep adding more until it feels like something you could lay out flat without sticking to your hands or the table.  Roll out a quarter of the dough kinda flat, but not so thin that holes will form.  Cut many circles in the dough with the rim of a medium-sized glass.  Spoon about a spoonful of the filling mixture in the center of one and place another on top, pushing down on the ends first with fingers, then with a fork to make impressions all around the edges.  Dough should not be so floury that it doesn’t stick together.  Do NOT put these finished raviolis on top of each other!  They will stick together and die.  You can have boiled water ready for them and place about 8-12 of them in at a time.  Takes 6-7 minutes at a light boil, and they’ll float to the top when they’re about done.  This is worth all the hard work, they are so creamily cheesy and truly awaken my Italian taste buds.  Add sauce and parmesan on top, and serve with lemon-lime Kool Aid

Rice Krispies Treats

An American classic.  Can you believe they don’t have these here?  Harder to believe that it’s hard to even find appropriate white marshmallows here!  They are somewhere, but I’ve never personally found them, until I was on the boat to Sweden, and I had to snatch up a couple of bags of these REAL AMERICAN MARSHMALLOWS!  (The ones they sell here are in strange, twirly shapes and multi-colored.  This recipe is direct from the Rice Krispies website, and there’s no better way to make ‘em.  You can add things inside here, like candy or whatever, but this is the classic.  Be prepared, this might put a Finn into a sugarshock or cause instant diabetes, it is SUPER sweet.  I served mine with chocolate milk (also not available in Finnish stores, so I used the Hershey’s syrup mix that I brought with me from the States.  Perfectly balances the sweet of the marshmallow.

• 3 tbsp butter/margarine
• 10 oz or 40 regular-sized white marshmallows
• 6 cups (about 1.5 liters) Rice Krispies or generic alternative version

In large saucepan melt butter over low heat.  Add marshmallows and stir until completely melted.  Remove from heat.  Add cereal.  Stir until well coated.  Using buttered spatula or wax paper evenly press mixture into 13 x 9 x 2-inch pan coated with cooking spray, or oven tray covered with wax paper.  Chill.  Cut into 2-inch squares.  Best if served the same day.  Still great on the next.

The number one reason I chose to attend this gig, was that Pain was listed as a warm-up act. Pain and Entombed opening for Korn? Sounded unlikely, and therefore, cool. To my dismay, Pain’s announced cancellation occurred just days after my announced accreditation. Still, didn’t sound like a bad evening after all, and no other events were overlapping it on this summer Monday.

Evidently, some guy in the audience ALSO thought it was a good idea to go, and promptly passed out, and was carried out of the nearly empty hall more than a half hour before Entombed even hit the stage. Nice job, guy. Nor was it especially easy to get drunk during this event, as there was nowhere within viewing range of the stage where you could stand with a beer. Only on the outer rim of the ice hall was a refreshments stand, and an enclosed bar, where you could drink and pretend you didn’t pay over 40€ for the gig that you won’t be able to see, or 6€ for the draft.

By the time Entombed were making their way to the stage, I was hoping that my perception of the audience was skewed, or that more viewers would start entering the hall instead of standing outside smoking. The hall was already the smallest ice stadium I’d ever seen, so I expected it to fill up nicely, and for Korn to give Entombed more fans. Of those couple hundred standing nearest the stage, and an equal amount sitting in side-facing pews with a seemingly weak view of the stage, between many and most were dressed in Korn gear.

Might wanna cut your strings there, guy.

Entombed’s bassist comes to the stage in an appropriate Rotten Sound shirt, and vocalist L-G Petrov, known by some to have some Finnish roots, swaggers to the mic and yells “terve” and “no niin!”, though his collection of Finnish phrases seemed to be limited to not much broader phrases, and otherwise reverted to English. After beginning with “Serpent Saints”, the opening track of their newest record, Petrov asks the puzzled-looking crowd if they even know who they are. With the answer clearly being ‘nope’, he mentions their first album having come out in ’91, and if anyone there was born after then. Unsurprisingly, a lot of shouting followed. A nice idea to mix these two genre-leading groups in one event, but I’d be surprised if Entombed grew their fanbase by more than a handful that night. Nor was much of their own crowd there. A couple Entombed shirts were being sported, and a few headbanger sorts were yelling along to the words, but the ticket prices were not within the reasonable range of headbanger prices.

Visually, their gig was a bit bare. There were no stagelights, which seemed inappropriate in this large of a venue, and made the band guys look particularly unimportant and unloved on the barely lit stage. They’re really nothing to look at anyway, with their increasing baldness and frightening aginess. Unless you want to watch the singer, as he wipes shit from his nose all over his sleeves, and then shooting snot rockets straight into the air and sometimes catching them in his mouth. While in the photopit, I had the unique opportunity of even being able to smell him, as every time he approached and I would prepare to take a photo, I noticed a whiff of something putrid attacking my nostrils. But, as the saying goes… Some call it disgusting, I call it DEATH METAL!

You're cool, but you smell baaaaad.

As far as the set goes, it wasn’t really as death metal as it could have been, including much more of their mid-career death-and-roll, as to be less offensive to the Korn kids, I suppose. Older songs were also represented, like “Revel in Flesh” from their debut, and “Stranger Aeons”, but the majority were from “Wolverine Blues.” By the time they got to “Chief Rebel Angel,” it seemed that some heads in the audience were starting to bang, and the spirit of the room had lifted. Especially for one quite tall muscular-armed guy near the front, who had been banging his fists throughout the whole gig, with two much smaller girls standing behind him, who looked as though at any point were going to be smashed in their heads by his elbows. Anyway, the sound was quite decent, even without an audience to soak up the soundwaves, although it was a bit bassy, and at times it would have been welcome to have a second guitar player on stage, as certain songs felt a little empty. Towards the end, L-G dedicated a song to the Korn guys, who he claimed were really drunk backstage, and that, “I’m really drunk too, thanks to those guys!” Finally, they ended the set with the “Wolverine Blues” title track. Arguably, their 40 minutes were not quite worth the ticket price if you were only there to see Entombed, but it was a good set nonetheless.

Finally, and to obnoxiously loud female fanfare, Korn slowly made their way to the stage, with the “supporting” members entering first and being quite hidden in the back surrounded by amps, and followed by the bands’ original crew, Munky, Fieldy, and Mr. Jonathan Davis. The hall had grown impressively more filled, possibly even breaking half capacity, after everyone crawled in from the drinking and smoking areas. Wild screams and jumping fans surrounded us, and suddenly, as though someone had just helicoptered in a lighting specialist, the lights were in full use, and more dramatic than what you see at a place like Tavastia or such.

In actuality, Korn didn’t look at all drunk.  I guess that’s what it’s like to be professional drinkers. Particularly their newest member, drummer Ray Luzier, looked to be in full sobriety, and was more skillful and entertaining than a circus clown. He twiddled his sticks around like a pro, and made cymbals all over the world dance for him. Seriously, he was that good. Then, probably a couple dozen times throughout the set, he’d launch one of his sticks high into the air amidst playing, and would catch it and continue playing as though nothing had even happened. Who woulda knew Korn had such a brilliantly talented drummer? He was totally energetic, too, and made all of the songs look more complicated than they sounded.

Jon & his mistress

Though most of the rest of the band were entirely uninteresting to watch, Jonathan Davis seemed to have retained his manic stage persona, and gave a good show as well. His microphone stand, which was unsheathed just before he entered the stage, was a shiny metal-crafted woman’s figure, with pointy silvery titties facing the crowd, and he would pull the stand nearer to him as he dramatically and heartfully (and nasally) belted out the tunes. His often imitated style of song and dance truly belonged to him that night.

Korn were, in general, impressive beyond expectation. Though never having been personally a fan of theirs or having listened to any of their records, I found myself recognizing over half of the songs, usually within the first 3 notes of the opening catchy riffs – those same riffs that I found irritating when I’d hear them on the radio or MTV far too often – only this time, I found them quite moving. Also mixed into the setlist were some brief cover moments of, for example “We Will Rock You” and Metallica’s “One”, which I would have seriously loved to have continued to the end. Then there was also the short moment of Davis playing bagpipes that was kinda cool, but seriously brief. Still, a nicely varied set kept me watching to the end.

The moments after the encore were perhaps the best, and definitely the most bizarre. Finland are obviously no strangers of this American force of nature, and before the band returned to the stage to continue, nearly the whole standing section of the crowd was poised in positions like rabbits taking a poop, ready to come up bouncing during the right moment of their classic hit “Blind”, as Jonathan growls “Are You Ready!”  Yeah, it’s definitely cool when a band can bring out that kind of a reaction in their fanbase, and I’ve got to admit that, although I didn’t want to like them, I surely enjoyed the show.  While I still have no intention of rushing out to buy the records, they were definitely worth witnessing live.